I can't believe its almost October!

And what on Earth have I done with myself this year? Or this month? Week? Today?

Well, for one I've been questioning society's morals and values lately. I'm having a hard time accepting the current social structure of our country, and I really have no clue about other countries' social structures. I am against so many of the things that the United States stands for. Or maybe not. Maybe its just the peoples' opinions that I'm exposed to on a daily basis. Maybe I just need to shift my social circle. Of course, I really don't have much of one. My ex-best friend (or so I thought) completely stood me up this weekend. Now, that's not such a huge deal, right? But now its obvious to me that my husband was right about her not valuing our relationship as much as I did. And its not just this weekend that causes me to come to this conclusion, its many things that have been leading up to this point. At the same time, however, I suppose she found some amusement in our friendship as she has spent many hours by my side over the last nine months. I thought maybe I weirded her out by the whole lesbian thing, but at the same time she initiated it (in a joking way), and continued to make innuendos. Now, I think someone who was uncomfortable with it would have avoided the topic, but that is only my assumption and I have been wrong many times before. In any case, I am feeling hurt and angry at the moment, and have decided to disassociate myself by telling myself "fuck her" and "i don't really care".

I have realized that I disassociate VERY well. During sex, conversations with my husband and daughter, difficult situations or people at work, anything really that makes me uncomfortable or stressed.

I think that I have made a new friend. However, it makes me uncomfortable because it's a "he". I feel guilty when I talk to him and he makes me laugh. What makes me even more uncomfortable is that I don't disassociate with him. Maybe because the friendship is too new and we don't really know each other that well. But, on the other hand, I never really disassociated with my girl-friend either until she started doing shady things.

So, why is it that I automatically disassociate with my husband and daughter? Why am I blocking out my life with them? I have been trying to run away from both of them ever since our relationship started. I've separated from my husband countless times. I joined the Army to get away from my daughter. I left her with my husband for 5 months while I went to California, and then only brought her back to California with me after that because I sensed a power struggle emerging over her.

Oh wait, I know...I'm afraid of intimacy. That's why. That's why its easier for me to have sex with strangers than my own husband. That's why I can never really get close to anybody or have normal friendships. I have got to find away to get over this. How do you get over a fear of intimacy? Anyone? This will be my next project. Maybe that's the reason these people come into my life. Of course, I really don't believe there is any reason that anything happens. I think it is every man for himself, so that's why that man should be kind - because he is at the mercy of the people around him.