Almost Over

My vacation is almost over and my sleep patterns have become quite erratic. I have become quite fond of 3-4 hour naps every day, and feel they are very healing and necessary considering this is the first actual break I've had in two years. It is most enjoyable spending time at home with my family, especially bonding with my son. I guess my husband isn't really as much as an asshole as I can make him out to be. Although he does have some disagreeable qualities, I suppose I have my share as well, and he is a huge area of the puzzle that makes up me. We just watched a movie entitled "Love and Other Drugs" and it was entirely sad and made me cry and feel sorry for myself. I am sad because I want the perfect fairy-tale love story. I am sad because my marriage is ending after 10 years. I am sad because I have failed. I am sad because I haven't had sex in two months, which is a VERY long time for me. I am a very sexual person; my Mom's caught me several times since I was three. The longest time I've ever gone without since I started was the seven months before I met my husband. Since I'm breastfeeding, I suppose I will be celibate for at least another year. This thought is overwhelming to me. Another thought that is overwhelming is living by myself for at least a year after my husband moves out. That just seems like unnecessary cruelty. However, I suppose it will do me some good. I took this quiz yesterday to see how high-speed I was when it came to having my shit together. Not so high-speed, apparently. I scored 30 out of 100. The goal of the quiz is to join this program to fix your life so that within 2 years you will have a score of 100. One of the questions was actually that you eat sugar less than 3 times per week. Really? Then I realized it would be a stretch for me to not eat sugar 3 times per day. Then I realized I had a sugar problem. The quiz was really self-defeating and made me feel like a loser, although I must admit I really didn't care. My therapist says I'm depressed, and I might agree, except that I have valid reasons for being depressed and don't think any depression I may have necessitates treatment other than just sitting with the depression and supplementing my diet with some fish oil. My son is probably tapping out all my omega's to build his brilliant little brain. I have this acquaintance. I would call him a friend, except that friends do things like acknowledge your birthday. I can't figure him out. I think he's a jerk, actually. But other times, I feel sorry for him. The problem is that I find him utterly intriguing. Actually, now I realize I've been here before, with Patrick. And Patrick taught me that I was not too fat, because he ended up with someone much larger than myself. This one I also hold on an elitist pedestal. This would prove to be quite the problem if anything more than an acquaintanceship ever occurred. Greg taught me that - how I build walls when I think I am not on equal ground with someone. And Matt. My therapist said that I would not build such a hierarchy if I was more sure of who I was. This is my circular argument of why I must spend a year by myself after my husband leaves. The end.