Let me preface this by saying that it has taken me many years to ascertain of myself even the simplest of truths. Things that may be apparent to some do not strike me in that way. In other words, quite frequently I am oblivious to the obvious. That being said, I have learned three things this semester:
1) The reason for homework is not simply to accomplish a greater quantity of work than could be accomplished in class. Homework is thus titled because the work is done at "home". "Home" not referring to the physical location of where the work is being performed such as in one's own physical structure of a house as in 123 Main Street, but rather "home" means your internal home, where you live at, how you see the world. For me, that means, how I interact with those around me, such as my daughter, co-workers, other students, friends, etc. I've found that I compartmentalize a great deal. Thus, when I am in the environment in which I learned something, or typically act in a certain way, it is easy to get back into the same cognitive mode when I'm in that particular environment. For example, its easy to speak philosophically and to recall the reasons why an argument makes sense when I'm at school, quite a different story when I'm at work or home or in a restaurant. Same goes for work. I am a Medicare expert when at work, although I find it quite difficult to have a conversation outside of work about Medicare. One might say that an obvious factor here is that I may have a difficult time adapting my conversation to my audience. That could be true. However, I think that actually, I have not applied the concepts from work, school, etc. to other aspects of my life. That is why it is beneficial for me to do homework when I'm on break at work. In doing so, I am working through what I am learning, say in philosophy, in the context of my work setting.
2) The reason why its important for me to stay caught up on the readings for class is so that I can most truly relate to others who are studying the same materials. I could have engaged in some great discussions this semester if I had only taken the time to do the reading. This makes me sad because I now have a myriad of lost opportunities. I was too caught up in my own personal bullshit this semester to actually learn what I needed to.
3) I am sad that I chose a mate who is not able to love me because his love of substances and instant gratification is so much greater. I am mad that I could not see this earlier, but perhaps I needed eight years to prove that he, like my sister and my mom, is not going to change, and I cannot change him. However, regardless of the frustration I sometimes feel as a mother, I do not regret my choice to have two children with him. For they are my children as much as they are his, and I will instill my love of knowledge as he will instill his "street knowledge". They will be well-balanced. I am sad because my ideal is ruined. When I first met Thomas I envisioned a life that we would build together, but I ended up building this life by myself. I want nothing less than to be completely intimate with someone on all levels - physical, spiritual, intellectual, and emotional. My ideal is someone that shares the same values as me - food, good music (as defined by me), art/culture, eastern philosophies, minimalism, semi-hippie-ism, getting out and about, physical activities, etc. In other words, someone who actually wants to live life....with me. I may be a little self-absorbed, unbalanced, and eccentric, but I want someone who will either complement or appreciate that. In that new song by Kings of Leon, they have it all wrong with the words "I could use someone". It should be, " I could offer to someone" instead. So, what could I offer? Well, countless hours of pure entertainment for the right individual. And also, the ideal family that I have been trying to build. I have thought about how I contributed to the ruin of my marriage. I spent the first seven and a half years blaming myself and trying to figure out how I could be "better" to make things work. Maybe if I was prettier, skinnier, a better housekeeper, a better mom, wife, etc. I spent the last year healing and coming to the realization that it was not me that was the problem. Thomas apologized to me on Thanksgiving for not being the man he should be sometimes. Then he said, "Oh, so you're not going to apologize as well?". I just laughed. I accept him for who he is, and he is easy to love from a distance.
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