New Year Resolutions

I'm usually far more prepared with my New Year Resolutions than I am this year. This year, however, time has seem to have slipped right by me. I suppose my number one resolution is to become the best mom I can be. Second this year is going to be becoming the best employee I can be. I watched The Pursuit of Happyness last night and it really made me think about how much I could be doing that I'm not. Humans tap so little of their potential. I think the biggest reason for this is that we don't prioritize correctly. Not that I want to become a robot, but I think there is definitely some room in my life for a change in priorities, as well as a change in perspective. I know these resolutions are vague, but a part of these resolutions is going to be defining what each of these mean to me. Another thing I need to focus on this year is staying on track with my degree program. No matter how tired or distracted I get, I need to keep raising my GPA so I can keep open the option of getting into the Masters or PhD of Philosophy program at UC Boulder. As a plan B, there is also the option of the Healthcare Law Masters program at DU. I also need to decide whether or not to take the Coding Basics program through AHIMA. I kind of want to wait until ICD-10 is implemented so I don't waste my time learning ICD-9, but I need to do more research as to what kind of training programs there are and when they are going to become available for ICD-10. So far I think AHIMA only teaches ICD-9.

On a different topic, there are always certain things that get to me...certain songs, movies, people, events, etc. In the last couple of weeks the two movies that have really resonated within me are Juno and The Pursuit of Happyness. Juno has made me realize that my pregnancy is not a disease or even a condition. It is a normal part of life and I can lead a normal life while being pregnant. As I already mentioned, The Pursuit of Happyness made me think about how much I could be doing that I'm not. I used to keep a journal of my monthly favorites, I would list such items as food, color, song, person, movie, book, magazine, etc. I still have all my old journals, I should find those pages and create something similar for this year.

Another thing I need to do this year is turn my apartment into a home. I guess step one would be getting a hammer so I can hang things. I could find the one I lost or I could spend a buck at the dollar store and just buy a new one. Step two would be getting all my crap out of Thomas and my Mom's houses. I'm pretty happy that Thomas got me a new loveseat. I just need to get a cover for it and pee-proof underpads for the cushions since Iceys has incontinence problems. I also need to steam clean my carpets and if Iceys doesn't stop peeing in my living room, I'm going to need to put her in a crate during the day while I'm gone. I know she's a huge pain in the ass, but other than the inconvenience of cleaning up after her and needing to walk her, she's an awesome dog and she certainly doesn't deserve to be shuffled around to different houses anymore, or worse end up at the humane society. Poor baby has already been at the humane society at least three times in her life.

So, while I'm cracked out on coffee and on a roll here, lets do a year in review to see just how fucked up I am...this should be a great cathartic therapy session. 2009..the New Year started out at Matt's house after a night at the Dublin House seeing the Matthew Taylor Project and dancing with local firefighters. I learned from Matt the merits of OCD. We went on a 3-day juice fast together and that's about the time I started panicking about how dirty my house was. I was starting to feel really healthy as I had just recovered from a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. That's when I discovered I was pregnant from a Christmas eve "oops" with Thomas. Around the same time Matt decided that he had too many issues to deal with regarding his ex and said he couldn't see me anymore. My hormones were going crazy when I took Jaden to see The Tale of Despereaux and cried throughout the entire movie while feeling that I was just like the little ugly redhead girl in the movie who wanted to be the beautiful princess. I didn't stay pregnant very long. The end of January/beginning of February I went on a date with Jessica. We started out at Zio's and ended up at Meadow Muffins where we met Tiffany. Tiffany apparently had instant chemistry with just about everyone she encountered, and Jessica and Tiffany were soon making out while I was sipping on some Appletini's and watching them. Jessica was apparently not what I was looking for, and although we corresponded via social networking sites and text messaging for a short time after that, I never saw her again. A few weeks later I was feeling froggy and decided to call up Tiffany to see if she wanted to hang out - just as friends. She had another agenda for me. She promptly started feeding me alcohol when I showed up at her apartment and then totally took advantage of me later. Although I was not raped, I did end up with hickies all over my chest. I felt pretty dirty after that. The next day a guy I had been talking to over the internet, Jason, said he wanted to drive down from Denver and meet me. I made up the excuse that I had too much to do that weekend and we would have to meet the next weekend. In the meantime I set to work with a nickel (it really does work) to remove my quite obvious hickies. The next week Myla and I went to lunch at Chipotle and I was feeling frisky, so I got hot sauce on my burrito. Big, costly mistake. Around eleven that night I wasn't feeling so well, so I went into the bathroom and passed out, hitting my head on the bathtub. I didn't know what was happening to me, it was the scariest experience in my life. I thought I had overcome my fear of death when I faced my fear of being anesthetized for my surgery, but apparently I had not. I thought I was dying and called 911. They took me to the hospital, and $5,000.00 later I was diagnosed with having a vagal nerve response (from the upset caused by the Chipotle). It was rather embarrassing explaining that one. The next day, I met Jason. We had instant chemistry, probably the most instant I've ever experienced. Our relationship was quick and intense. Jaden and I fell in love with his two girls, but I quickly realized that he just wanted a woman to take care of him and his girls while he pursued his own lofty pipe-dreams. Since I was too busy pursuing my own, I told him he needed to get his shit together, which prompted him to decide that he didn't really want to be with me. Go figure. During this time I also decided that 4 dogs and 2 cats were too much for me to take care of, so I extradited all of them except Odin, since Thomas begged me to keep the huge pain in the ass. I was also still obsessed with cleaning my house. The end of May I met Greg. Greg was another bright, hot star of a relationship. I have never had so many common interests with someone in my life. (note to Andrew - Greg is the one who pulled the D.E.N.N.I.S. method) I honestly felt that Greg and I would be together for a very long time. Unfortunately, Greg went psycho and went back to his ex. We had planned a week-long national parks trip that was going to be amazing, and the night before we were supposed to go he texted me to tell me we weren't going and things weren't working out. I spent the next week being completely self-indulgent. That was the week Thomas' mother came to stay with me. I took myself to the Zoo and spent the whole day marveling in primates, ecology, and all the wondrous creatures there are. I even bought an uber-cool hat. I forgot to mention that Greg is the one who spurred my hiking adventures. In June is when I started doing the incline and jogging. Thomas' mother did not stay long. In the five days she was at my house, she remained parked on my front porch smoking and drinking vodka. She didn't eat much, but she polished of 2 gallons of vodka in five days. Thomas lost his job in July and could no longer pay for his apartment. His grandfather passed in March, and his aunt and uncle asked if he would like to stay in his grandfather's house. I was worried that I would go into financial ruin since his truck is in my name and if he lost his truck, he wouldn't be able to take care of Jaden his half of the week, and if he couldn't do that, it would be difficult for me to complete the upcoming semester. Not only that, but Thomas and I have been extremely co-dependent for almost nine years now. I couldn't let him starve, and not only that, but I was having a hard time paying for my $1000/month mortgage and utilities anyhow. I decided to rent out my house and move in with Thomas. I thought he had changed a lot over the nine months that we had been separated. It seemed like his grandfather's passing had changed his thinking about family and he told me that he was willing to try to make things work and that he had been thinking about us having more kids. I have always wanted to have three girls, and I am certainly not getting younger, so I agreed that we should start working on our second child. Two months later I realized he had not changed at all (imagine that). He spent two months stoned on the couch playing video games and getting angry when I didn't have enough money to buy good groceries, and also telling me that I didn't do anything around the house. Apparently I was expected to work full time, go to school, do all the budget and grocery shopping, and clean the whole house while he enjoyed his pot and video games. Did I mention he had the burden of taking Jaden to and from school? We quickly fell back into our old patterns. In October I developed a crush on this guy in my class, Patrick. I envisioned him to be this awesomely compassionate hippy who shared a lot of the same interests as myself. I was mostly attracted to his intellect - I found it fascinating. What I didn't realize is that he is the type of person I have never quite encountered before... a complete contradiction between the words he spoke and the actions he lived. Oh wait, that sounds just like Thomas, Matt, Jason, and Greg. hmmmmm..... Or maybe my expectations were just too high. I don't think they are, though. People like Sandi, Kristan, and Shana have taught me that just by being themselves. I also went to see my therapist in April. I was angry - so angry that I had developed this nasty little habit of yelling at people at work. I think that's when I realized that I don't need a therapist. Although Lois has been awesome, I have learned what she needed to teach me. I am fine. If other people have a problem with me, that's their problem. Back to my timeline, I moved into my own apartment in November. At the same time I found out I was pregnant. A mixed blessing, I suppose. Its quite a feat these days to have two children, seven years apart, with the same man. By the way, I finished the semester with straight-A's. I also applied for a promotion at work and made a couple new friends. I didn't talk a lot about work in this year-in-review, but that's because it went by in a blur. There were significant problems and triumphs, but they were pushed to the background by my overly dramatic personal life.

Here I am, eleven weeks pregnant, sitting on Thomas' couch on New Year's Day 2010. He's on administrative leave from his new job for insubordination. I'm here because its convenient. I don't have to walk Iceys or cook or take care of Jaden when I'm here. It's pathetic, I know. That's why I have made the New Year resolutions that I have. I really need to re-prioritize. I need to stop spending so much time at Thomas'. I need to cut the damn cord. Please know that I am not in the slightest bit attracted to Thomas. He is my friend and I feel sorry for him. I have taken care of him for almost nine years now and its hard for me to let him fall on his ass and hit rock bottom. I suppose this pattern was established for me at an early age while I was trying to save my sister from her life-long drug addiction. If I probe even deeper, it's my Mom and possibly even my grandparents and even further back in my ancestry where the pattern began. However, I'm aware of this pattern, I have been acutely aware of it for about two years now. I suppose I suspected it far before that. I need to break it. I should probably read some books or something and start intensive, introspective journaling.

It's already almost eleven hours into 2010. My how time flies. I think I'm going to get off my ass and go home and start cleaning. Actually, prior to that I could probably start doing some laundry while I'm here and packing up the rest of my stuff. I will go buy a razor so I can shave my hairy ass and while I'm in the same shopping center, I think I'll pick up a hammer. I'm feeling pretty motivated, so I better go do this shit now before I lose the motivation.

By the way, I don't think I'm too dysfunctional to start a relationship with someone. In fact, I think I'm about as functional as anyone else in the world. What I have learned is that I need to take things slowly and I need to be myself, and I need to spend a lot of time by myself. I need to make sure that I don't compromise my values or get "lost" in the relationship. I need to keep my eyes open. I've had a lot of people try to give me advice over the last year. Don't take this personally, but I don't need anyone's advice. I consider myself to be more intelligent and introspective than almost anyone else I know. In fact, when I look at others, I usually come to the conclusion that they have way more issues than I do, issues they are completely oblivious to. I think that's just human nature. Egocentricity. The most important thing to keeping your sanity is believing in yourself.

Peace out!