I'm drinking beer. Something not unusual as of late, but I don't know why. Er, I do. I'm still grieving. Still grieving lost opportunities, I suppose. Still unable to look towards the future with any certainty. Wow, what an obvious statement. = )
I'm stuck in this mental trap of insecurity and low self esteem. I'm incapable of loving when I'm here, but at the same time I become so extremely sympathetic. Normally, I could care less. But I hurt, so I want to heal the hurt in others. I'm self-defeating. The one thing in my life I want, I can't get when i'm like this. This self-loathing only pushes it away. I guess the answer is time. I want to write great philosophical works of art. I have wonderful conversations about things, but I can't remember them clearly enough to redact them on paper (virtually). It's the alcohol...trying to forget and move forward. But I can't forget the things I want to and remember all the rest. Instead, I just forget everything. Perhaps thats why I'm so resilient. Ever since childhood, just forget and move on. It's hard to be such a sensitive soul. The tiniest slight is another shard wedged deep in my very scarred being. I'm only covering things up, though. The shards have to work themselves out in order for me to heal. I need to approach this in a healthier manner. Healthy diet, exercise, taking care of myself. Loving myself. I'm the only one that can make me whole. I have to be whole. I have little beings depending on me. At the same time, I don't have to do anything. I can be the biggest fucking schlep there ever was. It doesn't really matter, because nothing really matters. Humans have made this huge ego trip that somehow their life matters, but truly it does not. Sure, its self-gratifying to eat and sleep and poop and have sex and get high and find a myriad array of items to appease the senses. What is this life? What is this sick character trait of needing to survive? We judge people and outcast those that are different than us. We imprison those that don't fit into society, when the real problem is that the society doesn't meet the needs of the humans that live within it. We make up bullshit religions to try to make ourselves feel better about living and dying. Fuck it. I don't feel so bad about drinking now. I am drinking because I am scared that the one thing I want more than anything for myself could slip through my fingers at any moment - and probably because I was holding it too tightly. But if it does, then it will not really change anything about my life. I will still be who I am. And really, how much misery is it causing me right now anyhow. Is it really worth it? I find it hard to believe that that need that I truly wish to be fulfilled will ever actually be fulfilled. I will find all kinds of substitutes, but this need that I have is, I'm afraid, incapable of being fulfilled. And so I conclude with my original hypothesis about life - the only thing that truly matters in life is this moment right now. Therefore, I will continue drinking beer tonite and eat some fattening pasta. I know there's a happy medium, I just don't really care at this moment.
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